It's Been A While

No idea if anyone is reading this anymore, but who cares. I kind of had to abandon the photoblog for the time being. I feel bad, but I know my school work will suffer. Also, my social life is thriving a bit too much to be wasting away on the internet these days.
About a month ago when I last updated this, I was pining over my ex, quite obviously. I was told by a very knowledgeable friend that when you really like someone and then don't see them for a long time, you forget the negative things and really only remember the good times. You make that person out to be something wonderful that they truly are not. I didn't believe it until it happened. I thought things would be awkward and I would throw up or something, but the more and more time I spent around him in normal situations, the more I realized he's kind of boring to me. We really don't talk much and he generally just doesn't capture my attention like I thought he did. I never loved him and now I have that closure.
Plus, it helps that I met someone better than that. Trey is different and it's great. Even when he tells me I'm gorgeous, I know he doesn't just mean physically. Our personalities just mesh together really well. It's kind of like a mirror of myself, except he's a guy. He's really easy to get along with and I'm really comfortable around him. It just feels right to me. We communicate and we have good chemistry. When you meet some one that understands you on your level, you just know it. I like this whole moving on thing. It's pretty sweet. I won't get too sappy just yet. I'm just quite content. After a lot of soul searching and finding my identity this summer, I knew what I wanted and it kind of just fell into my lap. And I'm very thankful that it did.

Do I Really Deserve Better?

My Facebook news feed and I are in an abusive relationship.
It always knows just how to get under my skin and manipulate my emotions. It knows just the things to show me that will reduce me to tears at my most vulnerable times. It shows me what every old flame is doing and all my happy friends who are in relationships or getting engaged or getting married or having babies or on vacation, or hell, all of the above.
It's like these things are there to just remind me how totally alone, abandoned and used I've felt every waking moment of the past 3 months. I have never wanted to be somewhere else more than ever this summer. The handful of fun experiences I've had were peppered with the stinging sensation that there was no common denominator there with a boyish giggle to share these moments with.
I'm hopeful that I'll find someone someday that will appreciate all I can give. Maybe someone will want to be around me as much as I enjoy being around them.
I haven't cried this much over one silly boy in years.
How did I lose everything I wanted by doing everything right?

Is It Right to Fight?

He's the one I think of when I lay my head down at night.
Disregard who I'm next to when I turn out the lights.
All this talk of moving on cannot possibly be right.
I've tried yet I've forgotten to put up a little fight.

It feels as if no one knows you like I do.
No one else holds you on such a pedestal.
No one else misses your smile or your quirks.
No one else wants to hear your voice.
No one else wishes for your embrace.

You haunt my dreams. Vividly of course.
It's the most painful kind of love I've ever had
and you've never laid a finger on me.
So badly do I want to prove to you
that I can be your everything.
I would change for you. I would give up anything for you.
I want so badly to make your life complete.
I want to draw you out and build you up and lean against you.
You could use someone like me. You could do so much.
I care about you. I care to make you happy.
You've got so much going for you. You're perfect.
You deserve to be more than just a guy with a hat on the drumline.
You ought to be better than just the kid from Georgia that stands between two douchebags.
You have so much talent bursting from your seams. I see potential in you.

We could fit so well together. I can share my little courage with you.
We can help people who need help, together. We can lean on each other.
You could calm my nerves and renew my spirit.
I could draw you out and send you into the world, new.
We could share the things you have to offer the world.
You can give your gift. I can help you. I believe in you.

Nobody remembers you exist. Nobody sees the glory shining from your face.
I do.
People like you. You get along with people. They think you're a good guy.
I don't.
I love you. I mesh so well with you. I think you're an amazing person.
Not just some guy.

You fight for the ones you love and you let go of the ones you don't.

Maybe you never knew about love. I felt something with you I've never felt before. I thought I knew what love felt like, but I'm painting this picture of love in my mind and you're the only one who could fit the bill for it. Nothing I've ever experienced could explain this.
I think I loved you. I think I still love you. I think I always will.
Maybe we should have talked more. About what we wanted. About love.

I don't want to move on. I don't want to let go. That leaves one thing that I wanted to say but couldn't word eloquently enough in order to not scare you away. Maybe you knew it and that's why you left me. Maybe you didn't and that would have kept you. The way I think about you isn't normal, but it isn't weird and I'm not apologizing for it. Ever since the first time I took you and your friends to Wal-Mart and you and I stood in front of a row of Pop-Tarts trying to decide what flavors you wanted to try. Families passed us with their carts. Somehow I knew right then and there that I wanted to be with a guy like you. I thought, "This feels so right. I could marry this guy and be happy buying Pop-Tarts in a Wal-Mart with him by my side for the rest of my life." I secretly wanted to link my arm in yours and never look back at the things I was clinging to for support. No one else could bring me to my figurative knees like that without even trying. You do something to me. Something no one else could ever do. You make me love you. I think you're wonderful and I always will.
I don't know if you'll read this. You probably won't. You probably don't even think about me these days. Your life is probably so full of the things that make you happy. I don't know what you think of when you lay your head down at night. But I still think about you and how you made me the happiest girl in the world. Even if nothing comes of these strong feelings I have for you, I know how blessed and lucky I was and I know I will be again some day. You are the standard that no other guy has been able to measure up to for me. So I don't care who knows it. It was pretty obvious I think.
I think I love you.

There. I said it.

"The way your smile just beams.
The way you sing off key.
The way you haunt my dreams.
No they can't take that away from me."

-Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong, They Can't Take That Away From Me