Oh Star

Nobody's made my heart skip a beat
Or pound in and out of my chest
Quite like this-
Not by holding my hand or taking a stand;
Not by kissing my lips or touching my hips.
Somehow this boy is driving me crazy
And he doesn't even know my name.
He's never even seen my face.
I've never seen his lovely gaze.
He's perfect. He's everything I need.
He's more than likely amazing.
How do I know that he's the one?
How do I know he is God's will?
How do I know my plans correspond?
How do I tell my will and God's apart?
Do I pray then act or act and then pray?
I pray. And hope. And pray.

My Heart Weigh 1,000 Pounds

Every time I begin to believe again that man is inherently good, someone goes and totally blows things out of the water.

Maybe I should just believe that everyone wants to use me and hurt me and I should emotionally close up until the right and honest person comes along and disproves my theory for a short time.

I desire emotional connections with people. It's one of the most important and fulfilling needs I have in life.
When someone tells me they kind of need me and only for a physical desire, it really hurts me. When someone loved me and gave up on me because he liked me for the wrong reasons and only physically desired me, it hurts.
When I give of myself to try and make things better for others, only to be stepped all over, it hurts.
Very few people satisfy my emotional needs. The remainder are met by the rhythmic tapping of my "soft" and "small" hands on the silver wasteland of my laptop keyboard to digital embodiments of friends.

Small.
What does that word mean?
Tiny. Diminutive. Not big. Not powerful. Not strong. Pint-sized. Pipsqueak. Not noticed.
small.

Soft.
What does that word mean?
Squishy. Feathery. Not tough. Not leering. Not rough. A push -over. Tangible. Usable.
soft.

Watching 27 dresses gave me this false sense of hope that being the girl that does everything for everyone will pay off and I'll meet some charming, sexy, honest journalist that will fall crazy in love with me and won't give up on me and will see me for who I am and accept me. Isn't that what every girl wants?
But does every guy want that? Does any guy want that? Do guys even have the capacity to love the same way women do, or do they just pander along in relationships to please their carnal needs for lust and food? I have yet to be proven wrong, how sad.

Wow I'm shaping up to be a wonderfully cynical feminist.

When Did Your Heart Go Missing?

A few nights ago I awoke to what felt like a strong pair of arms wrapped around my waist. I jolted awake, but not too abruptly as to frighten away my potential cuddler. I looked around and a sudden pang of fear was present in my heart. These warm arms gently squeezing my mid-section felt strangely familiar, like those of a former lover that I'd like to forget. For a second, I thought it was him.
To my relief, I imagined the whole ordeal. I awoke to find no one there. While I was relieved that my ex-boyfriend had not covertly crept into my house to hold me in some bizarre attempt to win me over, I was happy for the first few seconds before struck with fear. I miss being held or waking up to someone pleasant. I'm lonely.
I guess this was kind of like when you hug someone for a really long time that you don't want to let go and then when they finally break away and leave, their imprint still seems to linger on your body. Even though lovers have come and gone, their imprint still remains on my body, choosing to resurface on some random morning when I was least expecting it. That was the last thing I needed to feel in the midst of packing my emotional baggage. It seemed to only spill the contents of my heart all over my room.

It's Not the End

Everything happens for a reason, right?
When one door closes, another one opens, right?

I keep telling myself that. Whether or not I believe myself is a different story.

God has a plan for my life, right?
Everything will be okay in the end and if it's not okay, it's not the end, right?
If i let them go and it's meant to be, they'll come back to me, right?

I'm having a hard time trusting both men and myself.
God and my friends, no problem. They're almost always there for me to depend on.
I just want to know that everything will work out for the best.
I don't want to be torn up over someone for years.
I don't want to miss out on living my life.
I don't want to be the one girl who isn't married and having babies in 10 years.
All of a sudden, my biological clock is ticking fiercely, implying that I should be finding a nice boy to settle down with right now. I wasted 4 and a half years thinking I'd marry my ex.

Surprise.

I don't know where I will be in a year.
Think of all the possibilities, though!
A far more advanced writer and photographer.
A better musician.
More strong and independent than ever before.
More confident and self-respecting.
Maybe in love.
Maybe.
It's exciting and frightening to think of what could happen between now and then.

Mostly I just want things to work out. I want to be in love again. I know I can't set a deadline. It has to be when I least expect it.

He Loved Me?

I will never forget the day that I found out he had loved me. He loved me as more than a warm body. He loved me for my personality, my conversation, my eyes, my smile, my comfort and my friendship. He was and is a great catch. He went out of his way to cheer me up. He took me far away from the stresses of my daily life. He walked me to my dorm. His hugs always lingered longer than a friend's but not long enough for me to enjoy. We fell somewhere between friends and lovers. I was his satellite. His shadow. He gave up his bed to me. We lay around for a whole day just enjoying each other's company. I peered at him over the sheets to hide my morning breath and acne riddled face, but it could have mattered less. That was the happiest I had been in months and after that point he gave up on me. I led him on. I frustrated him. I hurt him. I attacked him. I lost him. I had no idea.
I let go probably one of few guys that loved me purely. I didn't have the courage to get out of an abusive and difficult relationship. I realize now what a childish and foolish mistake I made by biting my tongue and hoping things would be for the best. By being a doormat and staying together for the happiness of another person, not my own happiness, I lost someone that could have been more to me than an awkward friend.
The day I found out he loved me, was the day I found out he had given up on me.
He loved me.
He loved me.
He loved me...

Halpert and Beesly

This is me.
This is everything.
This is ludicrous.
This is my life:

Rarely simple.
Rarely easy.
Rarely expected.
Rarely satisfying.

Life in movies;
Life in television;
Life in music;
Are lives misleading.

Bad decisions;
Bad influences;
Bad situations;
Are all I've know.

Losing in love,
Losing self-respect,
Losing everything
And now my mind.

I want what's worst for me.
I want what I can't have.
I want who doesn't want me.
I want to just be loved.
I want to drink.
I want to cuddle.
I want to be best friends.
I want to get married.

Maybe if I'm more like Pam,
I'll find someone more like Jim.
I've got to stop
Being a giggling, smiling, harlot.

No one knows the quiet secrets I keep.
No one sees the mangled condition of my heart.
No one measures the ounces of tears I nightly cry.
No one fathoms my fear to fall in love.

Things I Was Taught About Voting

“This is how you vote,” my father said:

Go in the booth

Punch the button

Vote a straight Republican ticket

And you’re done.

“There are many things a woman never tells,” my mother said:

Her age

Her weight

Her shoe size

And who she voted for.

“Read this article about John McCain,” my father said:

He is a veteran

I’m a veteran

He’s as old as my father

I’m your father

Vote for him.

“Be a good Republican,” my parents said:

Don’t waste your vote

Stay politically unmotivated

Support the President, no matter who wins

Unless he’s a Democrat.

“I voted for Ron Paul,” I told my mother:

You did what?

Voted for who?

Hahahaha

Oh… you’re serious.

Sonnet of Urgency

Every day I’m dying just a little bit inside

To tell you something that I think I need

To tell you before I think I have to leave.

It’s far too hard for me to try and hide.

I’m hoping and wishing that it doesn’t seem

That I’m trying so hard to make you happy

That I don’t want to be so unbearably sappy

But you’re the one who fills up my dreams

All I can say is that I’m basically falling

So hard and causing myself all this strife.

Throwing myself at your feet & I’m crawling.

I’d love for you to take me & make me your wife.

As long you respond so well & keep calling

If I say those three words that will change my life

Oh, You.

I can’t stop thinking fondly of you

From time to time

And almost every night.

I can’t help but be reminded

Of every quirk, laugh, smile;

Your athletic build against me;

The way you say "yeah?"

And giggle and say "okay";

How well we got along on our own;

How I couldn’t stop smiling;

How full of life my heart was

For the first time in a long time.

There have been others since you;

They've noticed my charm.

But to my alarm,

My thoughts still linger on you:

All I had & all that was supposed to be.

I ought to move on

But I simply can’t.

Without thinking “He should have been here.”

Or “why didn’t he stay?”

Speaking in Semesters

I was speaking in semesters and I didn’t want to go:

“There’s nothing for me back home.”

Now I’m dying to crawl from where the river flows:

“Just get me out of here.”

Remember the first time and the last time we kissed?

“You like it when I bite your lip.”

Just wondering what would make you have such a change:

“I think we’d be better off as friends.”

The greatest cop-out with the most unholy phrase.

And to think, 3 weeks before,

I had you talking in circles

And I was speaking in semesters.

Sonnet of Admiration

If only I could tell you how I feel

In words so tender that you’d have to hear.

I long to tag along and call you dear

And place my heart out there for you to steal.

I’m searching for a love that will be real;

Subdue my nervous thoughts when you are near;

I want to love you full and without fear

As I am waiting for my wounds to heal.

As reason played its tricks upon my mind

I tore myself apart to know the truth:

Could it be much more than all of this?

I thought of asking all that I may find

In such a smile and eyes so full of youth.

You told me without words and with a kiss.

Love Loss Like Blood Loss

Is it better to have loved and lost

When your love changes everything?

All that ever was;

All that’s yet to be.

My burden to bear to pay the cost

When I can barely salvage anything.

Pieces of my heart;

Pieces of my soul.

When you’re once so full of hope and light

From the outcome of a wonderful night,

It’s all you can do when it’s taken from you

To dwell upon what might have/could have been

And wonder if you’ll ever love like that again.

Should I send you every line

I wrote within my heart?

Better yet, I bet.

Better not screw up

A good catch is hard to find.

Swore not to pass you up.

Then you let me go.

How will I let you go?

Drawl Ya'll

When someone

reaches out

in humble servitude

to another human

being for no reason

at all, it makes me

want to respond in

the simplest way I

possibly know how-

with a Southern

accent not usual

and foreign to me:

"Thank you."